Today, like every day, I made a to-do list. On one hand, it is an absolute essential for me. Not only does it help my "mommy brain" remember the many things I need to plow through between when Emelyn wakes up and when Nathaniel comes home, it also gives me a physical record of my accomplishments. Why I need a physical record is a mystery to me. It isn't typical for me to need to show proof of my productivity to anyone other than myself, and when I look at the mostly-completed to-do list that I typically have at the end of the day, I never feel as though the grand total of my accomplishments is anything to cheer about. Why, after a full day of errands, cooking, cleaning, and caring for a baby do I still feel like I have done nothing?
Nathaniel explained something to me that he learned on one of his many work retreats (I believe it came from the Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage curriculum, but I could be wrong) and I think it provides the answer to my query: men and women have points systems, and they operate differently. When we accomplish a task during the course of the day, we assign a certain number of imaginary points to that task that we are awarded for our progress. Men tend to award themselves exorbitant numbers of points for even the most menial, necessary tasks, such as getting dressed. Nathaniel told me that he gives himself upwards of 5,000 awesomeness points just for getting out of bed in the morning! Women, on the other hand, reward themselves very few points for the tasks that they accomplish, sometimes choosing to simply not assign points all together for tasks that are just part of regular routine. This generally results in women having a very low total number of points at the end of each day, which I would assume explains why women such as myself feel unproductive.
While this theory explains my thought process and why I feel unproductive, it doesn't explain why I would devalue myself and my accomplishments in the first place. Why don't I give myself any credit?
My boss, Tom, recently sent me a link to a blog that, in conjunction with Nathaniel's explanation of the points system, has lead me to determine that I need to take back control of the way I feel about my accomplishments and start giving credit where credit is due. The blog post is entitled "Waking Up Full of Awesome", and while the specific content of the post is not directly related to my predicament, I believe that the main idea can be applied to my situation. Rather than starting each day feeling pointless (literally), I should wake up with a feeling of pride in my abilities, my previous accomplishments, and my overall self. I should start the day with a million points, and that way every accomplishment is just icing on the cake. Even if I do nothing all day but cuddle my daughter and make a delicious dinner for my family, I should still have points to reflect my awesomeness.
I realize that changing one's mindset is a very complicated task, especially when it comes to moving from a place of near degradation to self-appreciation, but I am determined!
Step One: Get rid of that stinkin' to-do list, and start taking the day as it comes, enjoying every little happy moment because I'm AWESOME.
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